Happy Birthday Senna

Posted: March 22, 2013 in Maoni
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Happy Birthday Senna

Had Ayrton Senna lived he would be turning 53 years old today.
It was San Marino Grand Prix at Imola, There had been a yellow flag after an accident and the safety car was brought out, not for long though, by lap six it was in and on lap 6 Senna set the 3rd fastest lap of the race. On to lap seven, Senna was just being Senna, a driver in beast mode he was approaching Tamburello at 330 kph when his steering column broke, and the Brazilian hit the brake for 2 seconds but run out of road hitting a concrete barrier 216 km/h.
That was it. We had lost arguably the best Grand Prix driver of all time. Pre maturely we lost one of the finest drivers due to a mechanical failure. He was in a badly designed car and pushed himself to super human limits to tame it. I feel though that we were robbed of Senna. You see, Italian laws stipulate that if a person dies at a sporting event, the event should be immediately cancelled and the area sealed off for investigations. The day before Senna died, Roland Ratzenberger died during qualifying in an accident, he died instantaneously, on the spot which meant that the qualifying had to be cancelled and in effect the whole race. Sagis, the organization which administered Imola stood to lose an estimated 6.5 million USD. So if the qualifying was cancelled Senna wouldn’t have raced the next day. But I don’t want to get into the politics of the sport.
The statistics suggest that Schumacher with seven titles and Manuel Fangio with four are better than Senna who had three. But those statistics do not tell the story of how skilled a driver he was. Senna made his Formula 1 debut in 1984 with Toleman a relatively new team using slower Pirelli tyres. Senna was a wet weather specialist. In his first ever Monaco grand prix he qualified in 13th. On race day the flood gates opened and it started to rain. Senna used his wet weather skills to move up the grid lap by lap and on lap 19 he overtook Niki Lauda for second. He was left with Alain Prost and he was catching Prost at 4 seconds a lap. On lap 31 sadly the race was cancelled with the stewards saying that the conditions weren’t safe. Monaco is a track where it is very hard to overtake and even harder in the rain but the great Senna went up 12 places and would have won the race had it continued. With that brilliant performance Senna got his first ever podium. The first of 80 podiums which puts him 4 the list of all time podiums in F1
1991, the Brazilian Grand Prix, Senna has two world champions under his belt. He is an icon in Brazil, a man loved but he hasn’t achieved one thing, win a home grand prix. Senna set out to do this. The Brazilian put in a banzai qualifying lap and was on pole. Race day came and Senna led the 67 lap race but it started to rain which wasn’t a problem since Senna was a wet weather master. His gear box jammed in 6th gear which ideally meant his car was rendered undriveable but Senna soldiered on in the weather and his broken gearbox. The instance his gearbox jammed in 6th, it injured his shoulder and Senna’s whole body started to ache due to cramps. Despite all this Senna won the race. Mind you the Williams was very superior it had a Renault V10 engine and a semi automatic gearbox compared to Senna’s manual gearbox. When Senna was driving into parc ferme (where cars are held before and after the race) he had to be removed from the car, he couldn’t do it himself. Senna being the people’s champion said he would not miss the podium ceremony even if injured, Senna wanted to make the people of Brazil happy by them seeing him on the podium. Even at the podium with an injured arm and a body full of aches he waved the Brazilian flag and he lifted the trophy.
Ayrton Senna has an astonishing record. In 11 seasons in formula 1 he had 3 world titles. In 161 races he had 41 outright wins which means he won 1 in four races he started, a lethal strike rate. He had 65 pole positions (2nd all time) and 80 podiums (4th all time). He had 19 fastest laps. He won the San Marino Grand Prix a record 8 times and the Monaco Grand Prix a record 6 times which would have been 7 if he didn’t hit a barrier.
Off the track Senna track Senna was loved in Brazil. A devout catholic he donated millions to help underprivileged children of Brazil. His fund is still helping the children of Brazil even 19 year after his death. When he died, the Brazilian government declared three days of official mourning, a million people lined up the streets of Sao Paulo the day he was buried. He was buried with full military honors.
Ayrton Senna Da Silva, we Formula one fans in Kenya salute you. Happy Birthday Champ

So leo nilikua nakiche tweets za wasee wakizusha juu ya article flani ilikua Daily Nation ina sema ati Sheng haina maana na inafaa kuishia. Mwandishi wa hio burungo ilikua Clay Mugenda. Inspiration yake ya kuandika hio article ilikua juu slove flani alimpeleka kuwatch movie iko na Sheng( nadhani Nairobi Half Life) aka kwara. Mzeiya kama hio movie ni Nairobi Half Life umekataa kuwatch juu ya sheng na najua unaweza watch movie ya Black Americans wakibonga sheng yao hio ni ufala. hio ni movie inashow hadi Europe jo.

Mimi nililelewa Nairobi miaka mob utotoni. Mapero wetu walikua wanaeza bonga kijaka, kikyuk, kikao kiluhya, kikale. Lakini sisi watoi tukicheza kalongo longo mtaani hatungeweza kuelewana kila msee akibonga lugha yake ya mama. so ikabidi kila msee amebonga sheng, juu by the time umeelewa kiswahili sanifu uko class 4 hapo.

Unadai ati Sheng hazina any commercial value. Najua uko media na unajua story ya advertising poa sana. Youth centered campaign zote in the last two or so years zimekua na sheng mahali. kwa mfano saizi kuna ad campiagn flani ya peace inaletwa kwa TV kila saa inafeature ma athlete wakibonga sheng. Alafu tena Ghetto Radio ni a station presenters wanabonga sheng full time. si wanamake dough kutoka advertising, kwani hio si commercial value?

Alafu tena angalia siasa, Peter Kenneth anawesmek, Rachel Shebesh ni Manzi wa nai, ma politician wameona the best way ya kuconnect na mayouth ni kutumia a language wanalike, sheng.

Alafu tena umedai ati sheng inatoa value ya relationships. Kwa relationship vitu important ni trust na communication. kama raia wanafind sheng ndio easiest ku communicate sheng inatoaje value ya relationship?

Tena unadai ati  Camp Mulla na sauti sol wako succesfull juu ngoma zao haziko in sheng. Angalia wasanii kama Jua Cali na Nameless, watu wametamba Africa mzima na wamewai mkwanja na ngoma zao ziko in sheng. Aalafu umedai ” their songs are in defined and refined languages which also signify clarity of thought and the state of their minds.” niko na swali moja. clarity of thought, kwani msee akiandika ngoma na sheng thoughts zake haziko clear? state of mind yake ni primitive ama?

Sheng ni language inapatia mayouth identity. Ni part of urban youth culture in Kenya. Mimi hubonga sheng, nina tweet in sheng na siko ashamed. Kubonga sheng haimanishi wewe ni fala ama haujaenda chuo. inamaanisha wewe ni an individual in an urban youth movement.

Wabeh Jo,

Raiya Trackmann


Posted: March 27, 2012 in Maoni

His Excellency President Kibaki announced that Kenya has found oil in Turkana. This announcement was greeted with great joy from Kenyans countrywide and those in the Diaspora including President Obama. Obama said that he was dropping out from his re-election bid and was going to vie for the Kenyan presidency under an 0DM (Obama Democratic Movement) ticket. The United Kingdom also reacted to the oil discovery saying that it was going to set up a task force in Turkana to deal with the Gor Mahia hooligans for the purpose of world peace

The first 10 litres of oil that was struck in Turkana

President Kibaki also gave a directive for all Toyota Probox and Vitz to be impounded because fuel efficiency is no longer an excuse to drive those things. He also said that all those people who wear shorts and have dry feet zaku parara will be taken to court and charged vandalism.

Wabeh online will continue to cover this story as it unfolds.

Its almost Easter and Kenyans are about to start drinking like fish.You see Kenyans dont believe in Easter eggs and stuff like that but the most used phrase during this period will be “waiter, beer moja na black ice mbili.  So to help people get wasted i have come up with a drinking game for Kenya. the rules are quite simple and all you need is a bottle of your preferred poison of course. So here goes.

Every time Raila says a kitenawili = 2 shots

Every time a Probox hoots at you = 1 shot

Every time a jav overlaps = 3 shots

Every time Ongeri says “echcation” =4 shots

Every time there is a power blackout =2 shots

Every time Jeff Koinange says “ALL KENYAN ALL THE TIME” = 2 shots

Every time you see an M-Pesa stall = 1 shot

Every time Kalonzo says wiper = 2 shots

Every time you see a chick with a chapad weave = 3 shots

Every time you see an Ideos = 1 shot

Every time you see a boy wearing plastic supras = 1 shot

Every time a Kale wins a medal = 1 shot

Every time a police head says “my mboys” = 1 shot

Every time a Vitz is overtaken = 2 shots

Every time a kange calls a chick siste or auntie = 2 shots

Every time Atwoli says “it is for the workers” = 3 shots

Every time you hear that Ashawo song when you while walking on Moi Avenue = 2 shots

Every time the price of basic commodities go up =4 shots

Whoever loses this game may end up like this

As you go to sleep tonight spare a thought for all those women and men who have made your life bearable today. Mark, the supermarket attendant who has a twelve hour shift with only two breaks in between, but still has the energy to smile and help you with your shopping till the car. He has an ailing relative and people in his village look up to him for help. Every so often he sends them money for medicine and food.

Spare a thought for Petronila the cleaning lady in your office. The whole day she toils to keep your area clean. Sometimes she doubles up as the errand girl. Her daughter passed her KCPE exams despite being in an understaffed public primary school. But Petronila doesn’t have enough money to send her to school. Her landlord just increased the rent so she has to send her daughter back home to the village just to get along until she gets money for school fees which is probably never.

Spare a thought for officer Kariuki who is on patrol as you read this post. As you and I are tweeting, reading or watching soccer, officer Kariuki is out in the cold tonight, with a 5 kilogram riffle a radio call and a torch. All he had for dinner was tea and two mandazis from the police canteen. Kariuki has a family of five and what he calls home is a small room separated by curtains. You and I will sleep in peace knowing Kariuki is guarding us.

These are just but a few examples of the people who make life everyday bearable for us. But have you told any of them that you appreciate the work they do? Do you ever say hallo to them and try to build conversation with them? Tonight as we pray before bed, pray for them, that the creator may make their lives more bearable, and that may bless them more. Good night.

Posted: February 22, 2012 in Maoni

It’s Valentine’s day and in Nairobi apart from exhaust fumes, love is also in the air. Today women will be wearing pretty red dresses and red lingerie. Men will carry red flowers and Red wine for their spouses. But if you are in not in love then you will be searching for love. However, whatever you do, don’t go here 0° 25′ 0″ South, 36° 57′ 0″ East. If you didn’t take geography in high school I will make your work easier. These are the coordinates to Nyeri town, a beautiful town in Central Kenya with very beautiful women but men do not be fooled. Mamis from this town have a reputation. If you have been following local media for the past couple of days you would have seen reports on how men here are battered by their wives. The guy below isn’t wearing a mask his wife attacked him with a Panga.

A man after being assualted by his wife

Nyeri women are known to beat up men. Some may say they love aggressively. However even though they are known to beat up people there some things Nyeri women can’t beat. Since lists are the in thing, here’s a list.

Tuskys Hotdogs

No Nyeri mami can beat this. If the Uchumi Power Sandwiches are the bomb, then the Tuskys Hotdogs is the Atom bomb that blew up Nagasaki. The moment you bite that baby a thousand flavors explode in your mouth causing a culinary awesomeness that your taste buds cannot fathom. There is no way on earth a Nyeri mami can beat this. Oh yeah its only 120 bob and you get a hot dog and half a litre of Afya Apple juice the seventh tastiest liquid available in East African stores.

Kanjo Tow Trucks

If you have ever been clamped and towed by the city council of Nairobi then you know that no Nyeri woman can beat that. If you illegally park your car and get clamped and don’t attempt to have the clamp removed then those rusty Landrovers will come and tow you to the council yard. It doesn’t matter if you are driving a 2 and a half tone VX those badass kanjo guys will hook up that thing to their tow rig and pull your dinga. So don’t park ki holela. You might spend a fortune retrieving it

Lumumba’s English.

This man speaks impeccable English. Im sure if Lumumba and Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth had a conversation Eliza would be left floating and would need a dictionary to keep abreast with the conversation. Here are a couple of phrases we normally use and they have been translated to Lumumbanese

@nafterli: People who live in glass houses should not throw stones

@Lumumba: Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised
to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

@kuival: Twinkle, twinkle, little star

@Lumumba: Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.

@ibnmasoud: All that glitters is not gold.

@Lumumba: All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

Nyeri women can beat that English.

Lastly I know the Nancy Baraza story is old news but I don’t know who would win a fight between Nancy Barasa and a Nyeri mami. There is only one way to find out.

Posted: February 14, 2012 in Maoni
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Exclusive: Alai, IHub saga

Posted: February 9, 2012 in Maoni

Tech Blogger and Bad Boy Robert Alai apparently received an ass whooping at the IHub conference. The notorious Tech-Mende was asked to leave conference which he attended without an invite. This is an artist’s impression of the scene after watching the footage

Artist's Impression of the Alai saga

Artist’s Impression of the Alai saga

On to more important things that people actually care about. Valentines is five days away and men in Nairobi are in trouble. They don’t what to buy for their mamis and after hours of goolging “perfect valentines gift” They will still get her the usual, Chocolate, Flowers and take her for dinner. Fellas this won’t work, it’s too cliché, more cliché than a Kenyan politician using the words “Step Aside”. So what then is a good Valentines gift for a Kenyan Lady? Well here’s a list.

Condom Shoes

If the story of Cinderella was written in 2012 by a Kenyan author, these are the shoes she would be wearing. They are comfortable, affordable and go with anything, even a Kitenge. The good thing with these also is that they are easy to find and come in all sizes. Try looking for size 9 Jimmy Choos then tell me how that goes.

DVD Collection.

Kenyan women appreciate television. Movies and TV Series have taken the market by storm and no one goes to the Cinema anymore, RIP Silverbird.  So if you want to make her happy this Valentines get her a decent DVD collection. DVDs are like 50 bob from Moi Avenue. Don’t forget to include Twilight, Glee and Gossip Girl.


Kenyan mamis are notorious for having nasty PJs. By nasty I don’t mean Victoria’s Secret nasty I mean Petronila nasty. Many of them wear some stockings on the head, a promo T-shirt for Dawanol and a Leso with those methalis like, Majuto ni Badae. So spice up her PJ game, buy her some sexy lingerie or go to school outfitters, they make you not so ugly looking PJs.


*Serious face ON… Spend time with her. This is the number one way to make your woman happy. Women aren’t shallow, most of them don’t care about the material things you get them during Valentines. The flowers will go bad after a couple of days, the chocolate will be consumed when you upset her and the dinner will end up in the Nairobi Water Company Sewage treatment plant. It’s the time that you spend with her that matters. If your relationship is on the rocks, you can use this period of love to reignite your relationship.